


Take a Letter

by drelfina



Series: Konoha is the Clownfish AU of the shinobi world [8]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Yamato | Tenzou, Can be read as gen, Clownfish AU, Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Hints of Hatake Kakashi, M/M, Oiroke no Jutsu | Sexy no Jutsu, Orochimaru does what he wants, Sexy no Jutsu, So much story going on off-screen, a certain uchiha shows up as cameo, clownfish jutsu, hints of Namikaze Minato, mama Orochimaru just wants to be left alone, orochimaru and genetics research, orochimaru and letters, orochimaru's journey to acceptance, pairing is off screen, tenzou is mentioned here, who is a little product of genetic engineering? TENZOU!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-18 11:21:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21510226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drelfina/pseuds/drelfina
Summary: I have figured it out. I understand now, why the Uchiha are so ostracised, even with the immensely powerful andusefulbloodline limit. They were traditional enemies of the Senju, were they not? So the sharingan, no matter how useful, no matter how powerful, would forever be ostracised in Konoha.Trying to imitate one of those is useless, then, if I wish to find acceptance. I just have to find a better model to emulate.Orochimaru and Sakumo have a correspondence.
Relationships: Hatake Sakumo/Orochimaru, Orochimaru & Hatake Sakumo
Series: Konoha is the Clownfish AU of the shinobi world [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1330769
Comments: 87
Kudos: 265





	Take a Letter

**Author's Note:**

> This is the universe that never ends 
> 
> it goes on and on my friends...

I have figured it out. I understand now, why the Uchiha are so ostracised, even with the immensely powerful and _useful_ bloodline limit. They were traditional enemies of the Senju, were they not? So the sharingan, no matter how useful, no matter how powerful, would forever be ostracised in Konoha. 

Trying to imitate one of those is useless, then, if I wish to find acceptance. I just have to find a better model to emulate.

* * *

_  
Orochi-kun, i don't think that was what - No, there are a lot of other reasons why the Uchiha have so many issues with Konoha, least of all the Sharingan. I thought you were investigating some other new form of henge? Perhaps you should follow that line of inquiry instead._

_Sakumo._

__

* * *

The Institutional Review Board rejected my application. Again. So rest assured, Sakumo, I'm not going to be able to, as you so plainly said it, "use orphans as guinea pigs". Even though every procedure had been thoroughly reviewed and tested properly through all animal trials according to their tedious rules and regulations. It's ridiculous that they wouldn't approve even the simplest human trial! Sensei just the other day was complaining about how the orphanage was straining at the seams with so many orphans from the Kyuubi Attack, and with so little funding for the Orphan Stipend… you'd think that my taking a few off his hands would be welcomed.

* * *

_  
You know there're reasons why your IRB application was rejected, Orochi-kun._

__

* * *

Like I said, there will be no 'orphan guinea pigs'. Because no one wants science to advance, and even the most basic of just dietary experiments is 'against the IRB regulations'. Because whatever they're being fed in that ghastly orphanage is definitely chosen because of health and not because of cost-effectiveness. But sure. 

No orphan guinea pigs. They can't stop me if the guinea pig is _me_.

  


* * *

  
  
  
_Please, just focus on the henge. You said you had something you wanted to show me?_

  


* * *

  
  
  
Fine, the henge. I've been looking into sensei's sensei's files - the archives are actually fairly well-organised if you ignore the earlier hiraishin bullshit, i suspect that's because Jiraiya's pet has been in and has been rifling everything around so no one else can find anything but he's everyone sweetheart and no one will ever tell him that the filing system is there for a _reason_ , and that if you take something out you have to put it _back_ , what kind of scientist is he? I bet his lab blows up as often as the Uchiha compound does. 

There is something interesting about the theory of the kage bunshin, it's something to do with the sharing of chakra and imitation of chakra signatures but also memories. If I can overlay this with the physical body… it might mean the henge gets more malleable…

  


* * *

  
  
  
_You know what, that does sound very viable. You should continue into this - the kage bunshin are almost solid clones, and can take a pretty solid hit depending on how much chakra you put into them. If this same theory can be applied to the henge..._

  


* * *

  
  
  
I hate when you wander out of the village for whatever it is you keep doing that aren't missions. Though of course I hate it when you leave on missions too. There's no one here who can really act as a good sounding board. at least you are the least irritating, and you know when to shut up. I tried talking to Jiraiya's pet but that blond chit wouldn't shut up about the hiraishin, I had to have Manda eject that empty jarheaded idiot out of my lab. 

I've put up signs and traps but Tsunade said if I put one more fireball in there she was going to cut off all my hair. Isn't that little idiot supposed to be some sort of genius? And really fast? If he's not fast enough to dodge it's not my fault. 

Get back here, I've hit some sort of snag with the kage henge. I have no idea what to call it, and Jiraiya is absolutely useless for the name department, he keeps giving me titles of his horrible porn books. I might have to set him and his books on fire and then drown the remains in the Naka River.

  


* * *

  
  
  
I've decided, and since you're being absolutely _boring_ about things and fussing about your mushroom harvest, to look into snake DNA. Manda is so cooperative and helpful, and that system seems far more viable and useful than dealing with a mammalian system. You don't get a vote in this because you abandoned my research for _mushrooms_. 

Mushrooms are stupid! They're just fruiting bodies of decomposers which eat dead things! 

Don't come back till you can actually concentrate on being a proper sounding board again.

  


* * *

  
  
  
_It was an emergency, Orochi! I couldn't not deal with the family's harvest, it's not like Kakashi-kun can take over dealing with it for all that he's already genin. He's only **four**._

  


* * *

  
  
  
Didn't you say he was some sort of baby genius?

  


* * *

  
  
  
_He's a prodigy in ninjutsu, not in agriculture! You're being deliberately obtuse and you know it, Orochi._

  


* * *

  
  
  
_Did you run out of snake summons? Why is this poor genin crying as he handed me your letter? What did you do to him?_

  


* * *

  
  
  
I ran out of your goddamn pigeons, and the idiot genin was right there. 

The jutsu is at a delicate stage, any chakra usage was going to disrupt it, and that brat was trying to set fire to things. You'd think an Uchiha would be better at this. 

Besides, he's not a genin.

  


* * *

  
  
  
_  
That's worse! You aren't supposed to make Academy students run your errands, Orochi!_

  


* * *

  
  
  
I paid that boy. Kami-sama, you're just like the others around the Village; I don't _eat children_ for fun! I paid him last week and now he won't stop hanging around my lab like some little stray puppy. You like puppies for some reason, you can keep him. I have other things to do now - my jutsu has proceeded to the next stage, i just need some appropriate DNA. Elder Shimura has mentioned something interesting I might look into.

  


* * *

  
  
  
_  
Oh Orochi. Now you have the Uchiha glaring daggers at me because the Uchiha boy won't leave my dogs alone._

_What DNA are you looking into? Please don't let it be human trials again…_

__

  


* * *

  
  
  
I told you that the IRB wouldn't approve of human trials. But they approved cellular trials and I have found a way to produce egg-cells. You should come and look.

  


* * *

  
  
  
You didn't have to start hitting your head against the wall like that. Where _did_ you think I'd obtain egg-cells? If you're going to just make useless noises like that and moan like a dead corpse, you might as well take that the Uchiha boy with you and bugger off. Not every creature starts out in delicate useless _tiny_ little punctuation-sized cells! The eggs are so much easier to manipulate - and they're _mine_ so I don't have to apply for IRB at all!

  


* * *

  
  
  
_The Uchiha are now side-eyeing me so hard, Orochi. Also for some reason one of the Uchiha elders just approached me about a _sex_ jutsu. Me! I'm a father, not a teenager anymore! He said I should know about it because of you…!  
_

  


* * *

  
  
  
It's not my fault that the Uchiha are perverts. Besides, I have no interest in utilizing their DNA at all. Their bloodline limit is hardly useful in my experiments.While they might have been founders of the Village, they are traditional enemies of the Senju as you _well know_. If I had to pick a bloodline limit to insert, I'd use something more accepted. The Hatake, perhaps.

  


* * *

  
  
  


_Do you know how many sheets of paper I wasted writing this response? Pakkun kept laughing at me until he farted and made Kakashi cry._

_You're not getting any of my DNA samples, Orochi. Not like that. Besides, we don't have a bloodline limit. _

  


* * *

  
  
  
Then what use are you?

  


* * *

  
  
  
_Apparently, I'm useful as a sounding board. You can obtain my DNA but I'm not letting you keep it. _

_Also stop co-opting Hokage-sama's messengers._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
I found the appropriate DNA anyway. 

_Besides, those fools have nothing better to do with their time than interrupt me._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
Why do you have to keep going on these long term missions? Those are so incredibly annoying. Just set them on fire or whatever it is you do with your fancy white chakra. I have something to show you. 

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
It's been three months, and you're still not back yet. Sensei is being utterly opaque about whatever it is that he's sent you on, and I've run out of pigeons again. 

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
Of the entire clutch, I'm sorry to say that only one survived. But he is so clever; unlike other infants, he already can track movement and definitely can discern light and dark. Even if the DNA didn't take, I think he is a success - he looks nothing like me, which should aid in his acceptance of the Village. 

_Hurry home Sakumo._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_I'm missing a pigeon. I'm writing this and passing it to Pakkun because by all the Kami above, I hope that he might be able to pass it to you, somewhere out there. I cannot - I cannot believe that you are gone. I was only away for a few months and then when I returned I heard that you were expelled from the Village for human trial experimentation! Exiled. Orochi, what have you done? The boy…_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
What happened to the boy? Where is _my son_? 

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_You said that it wasn't your actual egg cells!_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
Of course they were my actual egg-cells! They are MY eggs! Snake eggs are far easier to monitor and use and manipulate genetically. 

_Where were you? Where is my son? They took him from me when sensei exiled me from the village -_

_And now i'm finally out of your stupid pigeons._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_when you said you were going to use a henge i didn't think it'd mean you'd turn into a woman, Orochi. The mission was… classified. It did not… go well. But all team members are accounted for._

__The boy has been adopted by Elder Shimura's protection. Is he really your son? Everyone seems to think that he's a war orphan._ _

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
If your dog tries to eat one of my eggs again he's going to be regretting it dreadfully, Hatake. 

_Can… can you keep an eye out for my son for me? It seems like he is completely unlike me. But that is to his advantage, and I was correct in my hypothesis - he has the exact Senju-like traits that has him accepted in Konoha, and I am glad that Elder Shimura has adopted him._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
Also Sensei is being a complete pain about this - I have LEFT the Village, i don't need to be hounded by ANBU about it! 

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_Orochi, why did an ANBU stumble into my house and vomit up a letter from you?! Why can't you use summons or birds like a normal person!?_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
Because my snakes are sleepy and everyone will panic and try to kill them . 

_What is my son's name?_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_last i heard, his name was Kinoe. He seems alright. I.. don't know very much more than this, Orochi._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
I suppose if the Village elder will adopt him that's enough for me. I knew the village wouldn't accept me properly, but with the proper application of Senju DNA, it seems like i have proven my own hypothesis. 

_Your last letter seemed… quiet, Sakumo. You had better not be on another mission again. Things are not going so well with Kumo and Iwa, I heard, and they've never particularly liked you and your tendency to show off with your psychedic mushrooms and fancy chakra._

_While you're in the Village, can you tell your fellow ANBU to leave me alone? If they won't, at least send _useful_ ANBU. With interesting DNA. The marsh is very good for my eggs but I have no intention of using _generic_ persons._

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
~~_Orochimaru-san. This is Namikaze Minato. I know that you do not have any fondness for myself, but I must write to thank you for your message. You sent a message with an ANBU who happened to catch Sakumo at just the right time; if she had not arrived when she had, my good friend Sakumo-san would have been dea_ ~~

__Greetings, Orochimaru-san. Thank you for your letter. Your timing was utterly fortituous - if it were not for your messenger, Hyuuga Higa, arriving when he did, your letter would have forever gone unanswered. I know that you will not be allowed to return, so in order to prevent you from worrying overly, I have taken it upon myself to write while our mutual friend Hatake Sakumo is indisposed. Please accept my poor substitution as heartfelt thanks, on behalf of Sakumo-san and Kakashi-kun. Yours sincerely, Namikaze Minato._ _

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
I cannot believe you did that. You were trying to do - 

_You _Idiot_! I told Manda that he could eat all of your benighted dogs when I next sent him - how dare you try to kill yourself! For some idiots who didn't appreciate you at all! I hope that Rabbit ANBU threw up on you!_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_Greetings, Orochimaru-san. Sakumo-san told me to reply that Hyuuga-san did indeed throw up on him. Neither party is pleased. But I am still, always, grateful. Yours gratefully, Namikaze Minato_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
I'd apologise for stealing a shinobi of Konoha, _Yondaime-sama_ , but I believe you don't deserve him. And also, Your handwriting is a headache to read, it is even worse than your filing system. I was patient enough to wait for him to be healed enough for travel so you cannot complain about it. His brat impolitely declined coming along, so I suppose he can stay with you since I heard from my own sources that he is already your student anyway. 

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
_Orochimaru-san, thank you for leaving several… pigeons for Kakashi-kun to use to communicate with his father. I believe that Kakashi-kun would be eager to visit his father, as long as it doesn't involve a snake eating him. There is no further need to use my ANBU as personal messengers from now on, as i have rescinded Sandaime-sama's order. As long as you keep me appraised of Sakumo-san's status. Yours gratefully, Namikaze Minato_

_  
_

* * *

__  
  
  
Consider us both retired, Yondaime. 

**Author's Note:**

> NOTES:  
> Orochimaru, when he's wandered off, grabs a random ANBU who tried to attack him and stuffed a message for Sakumo down his throat or something.
> 
> OMAKE  
> Sakumo: Did you kidnap me from the hospital? The medic nin are VICIOUS if you just run off! 
> 
> Orochi: I most certainly did not. You were unconscious, so your next of kin signed for your check-out from the hospital. 
> 
> Sakumo: Wh-
> 
> Orochi: Kakashi-san is legally allowed to make such medical decisions on your behalf, since he is chuunin already. 
> 
> Sakumo: oh. Alright.
> 
> Orochi: I don't care for any of Sensei's or the Elders' bullshit, but I respect medical personnel. 
> 
> Sakumo: it was Tsunade-san's trainees wasn't it. 
> 
> Orochi: They gave Manda a care-sheet and you are going to follow it or I'm drowning you in the marsh. 
> 
> Sakumo: so... wait, how _Did_ you get me out of konoha? You didn't go there yourself did you?! 
> 
> Orochi: Of course not. I sent Manda. 
> 
> Sakumo: .... 
> 
> Orochi: 
> 
> Sakumo: ... do i want to know? 
> 
> Orochimaru: you're remarkably squeamish for a man whose summons slobber and lick their own assholes.


End file.
